I MUST be losing my mind.
Just a bit of quick practise in writing in a less boggy-wordy style <.< No description here. Nuh uh. Dialogue all the way, baby!
(One day I will write something that isn't for Slamdunk. But not today. At least it isn't Senru. Don't look a gift-horse in the mouth.)
Read it at fanfiction.net: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6816617/1/Bu
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But I Love You…
RUKAWA X HANAMICHI
Because too much senru is not always good for you. Just my little something for all the ruhanaru fans out there.
An adaptation of the BL Manga Sukinandakedo in two parts.
And also my second attempt at writing more simply. I feel I have a tendency to over-think my writing and get bogged down with it all. I wanted a go at writing something light and fluffy. Well, here it is!
My name is Sakuragi Hanamichi, and I have a dilemma. I'm attracted to my best friend.
Not that it was always this way. Not the attraction. And definitely not the best friend part. It's been a bit weird, although Mitchi always jokes that it was bound to happen sooner or later. The friendship, of course, not the attraction – he doesn't know about that bit. I think. Anyway.
He was always my rival, the object of my jealousy and my ambition. To match him, to beat him, was my goal. And for a long time I never realised that my ambition to beat him was only my own warped way of recognising his skill. I called him stupid and talentless and clumsy out loud, but in my heart I think I always knew he was beautiful when he played. And then eventually I came to realise that he was beautiful all the time.
Well, by the time the second year of high school came around, we had found ourselves dubbed by people other than ourselves as a team, a duo. They called him the points demon, and they called me the rebound king, and you know, it wasn't so bad at all.
I don't think we'd ever have taken that leap of our own accord. Both of us were far too proud to turn around and admit that we wanted to call a truce to our general and long-running animosity. But since it seemed that the entire school, plus the entire Kanagawa basketball league, were operating on the assumption that we already had, it made it a little easier on us. It gave us the opportunity to pretend that, actually, we were a team, we were a duo, without either of us having to lose face over the thing.
So it came about that we both accepted this new dynamic and eventually, believe it or, became something like friends. Something like best friends.
But don't mistake it. He didn't change. I didn't change. He remained the frosty, confident, silent fringe hiding cool eyes man of unobtainability. I remained the energetic, handsome, friendly and obscenely talented guy I always was. It's just that – we didn't hate each other any more. And we got along just fine the way we were. And that was good.
But… I can't control this feeling any more. I've come, not just to get along with him, but to like him. To really like him. In that kind of way. But… it's not normal, for a guy to like another guy, right? It would be normal for him to have bad feelings towards me if he knew about it, right?
But still I'm resolved. I'm going to ask him to be mine. I've been mustering my courage for this all day. School's finished and we're still in our uniforms, sitting in Denny's, snacking on our meals. Opposite me he has a basketball magazine spread out on the table and is perusing it while sipping on his straw with his pursed pale lips. I steal a glance at what he's reading. An article on Lebron James. I sigh slightly and sip at my own drink, looking up to the ceiling, wondering how to begin.
Just say it.
He gives no indication that he has heard.
"Please go out with me?"
He turns a page in the magazine.
"Okay" he says.
I drop my cup in surprise. The lid comes loose and sloshes coke and ice across the table and into my lap. With his usual unsurpassable reflexes he snatches the magazine off the table before it can get damp.
My pants are soaked but I don't really notice. He just said okay. He did, didn't he? This isn't a dream, is it?
He hands me some napkins and catches my eye. I think my heart might burst. This feeling I have… it's really… mutual. He really likes me back!
The next day I walk up to him after the lesson, school bag hanging from my shoulder, first-love happiness bursting from every pore.
"Rukawa, let's walk home together." I'm grinning like an inane fool. This is exactly how I imagined my school romance would be with Haruko last year, before I had really gotten to grips with the strangeness of my feelings for Rukawa. I had always wanted to walk home with her, but at the time I'd never plucked up enough courage to ask. Now though, I could ask it to Rukawa without any shame or hesitation at all! We really must be perfect for one another. This feels so right and so natural; it's beyond my wildest dreams.
"Yeah" he replies, slinging his satchel over his shoulder as he stands up and makes for the door. I bound after him with puppy-like enthusiasm.
"Bye everyone!" I call cheerfully to the rest of my classmates as I follow him through the door, although hardly anyone spares us a glance.
The rest of the week passes like a magical whirlwind of loveliness. We do something together everyday. Sometimes I stop by his house on the way home and get treated to his mother's home cooked mochi. At break time we sit on the roof at school and eat our lunch together, cross-legged on the floor. So cute! On Saturday we even go to the cinema together to watch a movie he wants to see. I don't even pay attention to what's happening during the flick, I'm so overcome with my happiness of sitting next to him. And after that, I walk him home.
"Well then" he says, turning to look at me before he enters the door to his house.
"Yes" I smile, standing back by the gate, rocking back and forth on my heels and giving him a cheerful wave, my happiness written quite clearly across my face. It has been a wonderful day.
He nods his head briefly, turns away, and the door closes behind him with a click.
I stare at it for some time. And then a shocking realisation hits me.
I guess… nothing has changed.
What does dating really mean?
Rukawa and I… today we walked home together, like always… we hung out, like always… we ate our lunch together, like always... isn't this just the same as always! ?
Is there really a difference for us, being friends, or being lovers? Well of course I know there is a difference between lovers and friends. I mean there's like… sexy stuff… right?
My mind unhelpfully offers me a vision of Rukawa naked on my bed, writhing and moaning and calling my name Ah ah! Hanamichi you're so big! as I trust into his hot tight…
…and my nose responds immediately by spurting blood all down my clothes so it drips onto the Rukawa's welcome mat. It's a little while before I regain control of my body temperature. It's quite tempting to let my little fantasy play itself out until its… well uhm… climax. But I've got more important things to think about.
Like, he wouldn't really say things like that, would he? He wouldn't ever blush and moan like that, or let me do those kinds of things to him. I really wonder what he is thinking. I can't tell at all. His face never shows any emotion. Even at the time I asked him out, he replied so bluntly, just a casual okay as if it were all entirely normal. Is it possible that he didn't really understand what I meant when I asked him to go out with me?
Dejection steals over me. Perhaps I am the only one who is actually… in love?
On Monday I stand with Yohei by the classroom window, looking down from the third floor to the playground below. It's a bright sunny day, the happiest kind, but I really feel down in the dumps. All my joy from last week seems so horribly misplaced. It's almost as if my mood is being particularly bad now to make up for its former excess.
"Ah, there's Rukawa" Yohei points him out. And sure enough, there he is, strolling in through the school gate. As tall and as handsome as always.
"Oh" Yohei continues, spotting, as I already have, the girl who is walking along beside him and chattering, "that's the girl from the school newspaper. So I guess they really are going out."
My face turns into immediate thunder as I whirl upon my friend and grab him by the collar. "They're going out?" I demand, incensed, panicked.
Yohei flails in my grip. "Hasn't everyone been gossiping about it for a while? I thought you already knew, since you guys are always together!"
I drop Yohei in disbelief, my jaw slack.
I… I had no idea at all.
He comes over after class as usual, though I'm slumped over my desk in depression.
"Sakuragi" (how come he always calls me by my family name through the rest of the team call me Hanamichi?) "can I come over to pick up that CD you said I could borrow?"
I stare up at him in gloom. "Okay."
He tilts his head slightly. I guess even a frost-fox such as he would notice my terrible state. "Is something wrong?"
"Nothing" I sigh heavily, standing up.
"Is that so?" he purses his lips and shrugs a little before turning and heading towards the door as usual. His indifference hurts. It hurts me like nothing I've ever felt before. Doesn't he care about me? Not even a little bit? Even if we are not lovers, aren't I his friend? Even if we are not friends, aren't I his team mate? Then… why is it like this? I hang my head and go with him.
We walk the entire way in silence. Inside my room I hand him the requested CD and he slips it into his bag with a brief "thanks". I twist my hands, fiddling uncomfortably with my fingers, eyes glued firmly to the ground, and before I can stop myself, the question comes blurting out of me:
"Are you going out with that girl from the newspaper?"
He gives me such a hard stare that I begin to blush furiously.
Then before I know what's happening, he's right before me, eye to eye, face to face, nose to nose.
Lips to lips.
I jump back like a startled deer. "Rukawa!"
My first kiss.
"What… are you doing… so suddenly?" I exclaimed, feeling myself turn bright beetroot in colour.
He turns away. "Sorry" he says awkwardly, "Sometimes you make cute faces and I... can't control myself."
I stare at him and can't believe it. He's never shown that kind of interest in me. For him to say such a thing now, doesn't make any sense at all! And wait a second… me? Cute?
(Surely he means devilishly handsome and strong and buff and manly and athletic.)
"Besides, how could I be dating someone else, aho?" he continues frostily. "We're always together."
"You always have that expressionless face" I accuse him, "how am I supposed to be sure that we're really dating? And… and… and… even though I was gloomy you didn't care about me!"
He folds his arms and huffs. "You have the mood swings of an unbalanced and insane menstruating girl. I don't want to be on the receiving end of your PMS symptoms." And then averting his eyes, in a very small and tiny voice, he says, "I do care, though."
And my bush returns with reinforcements.
"Rukawa? Do you… actually… love me?"
For the first time, I see his face heat up with an angry blush, and looking away, he nods, embarrassed.
My mouth drops open. All my nervousness, my fretting, my miseries, seem suddenly so distant. He loves me. He loves me.
And then demon horns sprout from my head.
"Well…" I grin blissfully, "…can we do something even more… intimate?"
He doesn't wait. The next second the world is turned upside down and before I realise it I'm lying back on my bed, his body over me, warm and firm and gorgeous. And it would be wonderful except…
(…what the hell? He wants me to be uke? A buff stud muffin like myself? No way!)
I grab him and throw him sideways (naturally I am stronger) and pin him down, reversing our positions easily. He stares up at me in surprise for a second, while I look down on him, blushing and panting. Then he smirks a little and reaches forwards to hook the zip of my fly with his fingers. I hiss at the sudden pleasurable brush of contact and collapse down onto him.
"You make such good faces" he says, and I can't be bothered to contradict him because his hands are moving and pulling and stroking the heat in my pants and I'm already too far gone to form a coherent sentence. "Touch mine too" he demands.
And god, god this is erotic. Trusting against one another, rubbing together, touching each other, feeling each other both together one and the same as if his body is my body and my body is his body and there can't be any paradise greater than this, here with him.
And looking down I never thought I'd see him like this. No longer that expressionless face he really does gasp and moan and call my name, eyes hooded, sweat pouring, mouth open and gasping for air. As we move together like this, I feel in my gut this hope that I will get to see him looking like this, so sexy, so erotic, again. And I hope I will be the only one who ever gets the chance to admire him when he looks like that.
Afterwards we embrace, and then in my bed, we sleep.
-part one end
I may or may not write part two depending on interest. In any case I highly recommend the boy love manga Sukinandakedo by Takaoka Motonari on which this story is based.
It sounds a little rushed to me. Does it sound a little rushed to you?